


Before Destruction

by AuroraNova



Category: Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
Genre: Deadly Sins Garak/Bashir Fest, M/M, Post-Canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-30
Updated: 2019-06-30
Packaged: 2020-05-20 11:46:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,551
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19376077
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AuroraNova/pseuds/AuroraNova
Summary: Hours from now, Julian will wonder what he was thinking, Ezri will tell him not to be too hard on himself, and Miles will say he gave up trying to understand what goes through Julian’s head a long time ago.Or, Julian on the cusp of a new life. What form it will take depends in no small part on Garak.





	Before Destruction

**Author's Note:**

> Many thanks to zaan for the beta read. 
> 
> This one is an experimental style for me. I call it 'fun with tenses.'

Hours from now, Julian will wonder what he was thinking, Ezri will tell him not to be too hard on himself, and Miles will say he gave up trying to understand what goes through Julian’s head a long time ago.

But that’s still in the future. Right now, Julian is sure his plan is the right thing to do. If he’s being discharged from Starfleet, if he’s not even going to be allowed to keep his medical license, then he’ll join Section 31 and take it down from the inside. He can still accomplish something worthwhile this way.

It's not a well-thought-out plan, though what it lacks in measured consideration it makes up for in sheer determination and arrogance, but Julian can’t admit that yet. At the moment he’s hurt, angry, and desperately needs to have something he can offer the universe as a whole and the Federation specifically.

When the door chimes, he expects Ezri, maybe Kira, coming for another attempt at changing his mind. Might as well get it over with, he thinks, and says, “Come in.”

Garak enters his quarters, and Julian realizes he’s going to have to improve his plan very quickly if he hopes to get any kind of approval from Garak. Then he decides he doesn’t need Garak’s approval, anyway.

“Hello, Doctor.”

“Garak. You didn’t mention you were coming to DS9.” Until this moment, Julian had thought Garak would be thrilled if he never set foot on the station again.

“It was an unplanned visit. I’m here to keep a friend from making a terrible mistake.”

That can only mean one thing. “Ezri contacted you.”

“She and O’Brien both, and the fact that the chief and I are in complete agreement ought to give you pause.”

Part of Julian recognizes this is a valid point, but he’s far too stubborn to give in that easily. Besides, he thinks of something else. Neither Ezri nor Miles know Garak’s personal comm code, and he’s fairly certain the provisional post-war Cardassian government isn’t just waving messages from Starfleet officers along to its councilors. “Wait a minute. How did they even get hold of you so quickly?”

“Cardassia owes Kira more than we will ever repay,” says Garak. “Dax and O’Brien asked her to help them contact me.”

That evening, Julian will learn they never expected Garak to come in person, and they definitely never thought he’d arrive in less than a day, seeing as how he’s busy trying to rebuild a planet and a government. Julian will be shocked to discover that Garak put him ahead of Cardassia’s many pressing needs, and the knowledge will put to rest any lingering doubts in his mind.

“I can’t be a Starfleet officer anymore, or a doctor,” he says.

“So I heard, and I’m sorry.”

“But I have a new mission.” Which relates to information he’s fairly sure Ezri and Miles aren’t supposed to be sharing. “How much did they tell you?”

“Enough.” Garak produces a small device from his pocket. “You may speak freely. This will jam any listening devices in the vicinity.”

Julian wonders if he can convince Garak to tell him where to get one of those for himself.

“Has it occurred to you that Section 31 could easily have engineered your dismissal precisely so that you will join them? They’ll be aware you hope to expose them, and contain all efforts to do so. In the meantime, they will have a very useful agent.”

It has, yes, though it’s also possible Starfleet has simply decided allowing one Augment to stay sets a dangerous precedent. He may never know.

“I’ve beaten them at their own game once,” he tells Garak. “I can do it again.”

In the coming days, Julian will be astonished at the extent of his own pride, and decide he really needs to work on the trait. Garak will tell him not to go overboard, if not in so many words, which will make him feel better about himself, but he will learn to temper his arrogance a bit.

Garak says, “That sounds like an interesting story. But this is nevertheless a terrible idea.”

“I suppose you have a better one.”

“Many. Anything which doesn’t involve putting yourself in a position to lose sight of your priorities will do.”

“Lose sight? I know exactly what my priorities are. That’s what this is all about.”

That much is true, and even when he realizes how horribly it could’ve gone wrong, how on the off chance he didn’t die his plan still set him up to lose his soul one bargain with the devil at a time, he nevertheless will say his heart was in the right place.

“No,” says Garak. “It’s about you desperately seeking an enemy because that’s the easiest response to your current situation. In the unlikely event you survive, they will nevertheless destroy you, Doctor.”

Julian flinches at the title he can no longer claim. “Not if I destroy them first.”

“Yes, because an organization that’s existed for generations is easily toppled by one man with good intentions and no idea what he’s doing.”

He hates to admit that he really doesn’t know much about the details of how Section 31 works, and wishes Garak would do something more productive. Give him some tips, maybe.

“Damn it, Garak, if I don’t try, am I any better than every other Starfleet officer who’s looked the other way?”

“Has it occurred to you that Section 31 continues to exist precisely because enough Starfleet officers and Federation officials find it convenient to look the other way?” counters Garak.

Julian is perfectly well aware of this. “That’s why it has to be exposed to the population at large.” For which he needs evidence, hence his current mission.

“Fine. Dress this up in moral obligation if you must, but I’m not fooled. You’re looking for meaning and justice where there is neither. Or maybe you want a suicide mission.”

“No. I don’t want to die, I need to make a difference!” He takes a deep breath before lowering his voice. “All I wanted was to heal people, but that’s been taken from me, so it’s time for Plan B.”

“It hasn’t been taken from you entirely,” says Garak.

“I thought Miles and Ezri explained the situation.”

He can’t even go to Bajor as a doctor, not without going through medical school all over again at a Bajoran institution, and by the time he finishes Bajor might join the Federation and render the point moot. If he had a valid Federation medical license, he could practice elsewhere with reciprocal agreements, but most places take a dim view of unaccredited doctors seeing patients. Julian can’t fault that attitude.

“You can be a doctor on Cardassia. Trust me, we need all the medical personnel we can get.”

“In case you hadn’t noticed, immigrating to Cardassia is not easy.”

“It is if you know the right people,” says Garak. “Which suggests you deliberately didn’t ask my help because you needed an excuse. If you’re dead set on this plan, I can’t stop you, but I think it’s a mistake. You don’t have to be a martyr to Federation ideals to atone for your genes.”

For some reason, this gets through to Julian where nothing else has. He pauses. “Martyr?”

“Throwing your life away on an impossible mission to stop an organization which doesn’t align with the Federation’s professed values is one way to demonstrate that you’re nothing like the fearsome Augments of Earth’s past.”

He’ll discuss this over subspace comm with Ezri in the coming weeks, and she’ll declare Garak a surprisingly good amateur psychologist, though she will say his style is too combative for general practice.

It works for Julian. “So what do you think I should do? Go to Cardassia and forget all about this poisonous influence in the Federation? Oh, wait, you don’t see Section 31 as a problem, do you?”

“Not the way you do.”

“Of course you don’t, but I can only see them as the antithesis of what we stand for.” Which is perhaps odd coming from a man whose very existence goes against a great deal the Federation stands for, but that was never his choice, was it?

“That’s quite clear,” says Garak. “I find it rather hypocritical of the Federation, if you must know. At least Cardassia was always forthright about the Obsidian Order.”

“Yes, that’s so much better.” Julian’s voice drips sarcasm now, but eventually he’ll admit Garak has a minor point.

“No one lives up to their ideals. You ought to have realized that by now.”

Yes, he has. Using an illegal mind probe made the point unpleasantly clear. Later, he will think it played a role in his burning desire to see Section 31 exposed and dismantled. It was Section 31 that drove him to desperation, that forced him to confront how far he was willing to go, and to even betray his own ideals in order to save an entire race. He loathes them for it.

Garak and time will help Julian make peace with his actions against Sloan, but that’s months away. Now, on the subject of failing to live up to ideals, he says, “That doesn’t mean we abandon them altogether.”

“Personally, I think the best revenge you could take on your enemies would be to find a place where you’re valued for the contributions you make to society as a doctor of exceptional talent.”

“Like Cardassia.”

“Yes, though it’s not the only option in the galaxy.”

“And then what? We keep having lunch until you go off and resurrect the Obsidian Order?”

Julian isn’t convinced this will happen for certain. He believes that over the last few years Garak has come to understand why Tain’s views were not necessarily correct about what’s best for Cardassia. When he and Garak last saw each other in person, Garak gave him raw honesty: _there’s no doubt about it, we’re guilty as charged._ The two brief letters he sent since suggested he genuinely wants to move Cardassia in a new direction.

All the same, a rebuilt Order is a possibility, and one holding Julian back.

Garak looks at him with frank surprise. “Is that what you’re worried about? The Order is dead. I am a politician now.”

“For now, yes.”

“I can’t promise I will always live up to your moral standards, though I think the chances are better if you’re on Cardassia than otherwise. But I am not going to rebuild the Obsidian Order. It isn’t what Cardassia needs or wants. The old ways are gone, and as difficult as that can be, in some respects it’s for the best. Cardassia is not what it was.” He pauses, then adds, “I am not what I was.”

This will prove true in the years and decades to come. Eventually, Cardassia will have an organization akin to Starfleet Intelligence, but the population won’t stand for a resurrected Order, and moreover, Garak will remain a politician because it will be what Cardassia needs from him. In private he will proclaim politics far more difficult than any of his previous careers.

Julian wonders why Garak is bothering to say all this. It’s uncommonly forthright of him. “Is that your way of trying to convince me?”

“Is it working?”

“I don’t know.”

He’s still mulling over the line about being a martyr. Maybe he was looking to prove himself, to show how good an Augment can be. That’s probably not the best reason to rush off into covert ops with an ill-formed plan, now that he thinks about it.

His mind races with possibilities: taking down Section 31; being caught trying to do so and dying because he wanted to prove a point; going to Cardassia to be a doctor; being sent on a suicide mission by Section 31 in revenge for Sloan’s death and helping Cardassia recover from the Dominion bombardment and literature debates and Garak’s smile and the way Section 31 is a cancer in the Federation.

He tries to imagine what Jadzia and Captain Sisko would say, honestly this time, instead of a version he’d dreamt up to justify his plan. He decides Jadzia was most likely to say something along the lines of, “You deserve to be happy, Julian.” Captain Sisko is harder, but Julian’s best guess is, “If I were you, I’d give Garak’s offer serious thought.”

Finally, he thinks of Garak and Miles agreeing on something. Miles doesn’t like Section 31 either, though it’s not personal for him, but he thinks Julian should focus on the good he can do elsewhere. Even Cardassia, apparently, though he hadn’t mentioned that when they talked.

If Garak, Miles, Ezri, and Kira all think his plan is bad, and Jadzia and Captain Sisko probably would’ve agreed, he really ought to reconsider.

“Were you lying when you said Cardassians don’t care about genetic engineering?” he asks. It’s the easiest question facing him.

Garak is pleased because he knows he has Julian at the very least considering his offer. “I was not. It’s a family matter, and no one will be the least bit bothered.”

It sounds like a relief. To be accepted, to continuing practicing medicine, is all he wants, and if Julian could do that in Starfleet, he knows he wouldn’t have come up with what he’s increasingly seeing as a poorly-thought out plan for a one-man mission to destroy Section 31 from within. Still, it eats at him to know he’d be more or less signing off on its existence. “And I’m just supposed to walk away in the full knowledge of what Section 31 does?”

“Yes,” says Garak. “Sometimes, you must recognize that all you will accomplish in fighting a battle is to lose. There are others you can win. Focus your energy in those directions.”

As much as he hates it, Julian knows Garak is right. The odds of him personally taking down Section 31 are astronomically low. So what was he trying to do? Prove himself worthy, most likely. Maybe he doesn’t need to do that in the Federation.

It’s just possible he doesn’t need to do it at all. That he doesn’t, in fact, owe the universe atonement for his very existence, or even for the lies he perpetuated.

“Julian.”

It’s the first time Garak has ever used his given name. In Cardassian culture, given names are used only by family members, lovers, and the closest of friends. He gave up expecting it years ago. “Yes?”

“Don’t throw your life away. Come with me.” Garak holds out one hand, palm flat – another intimate gesture, one open to two very different meanings.

“And how am I supposed to take that?” Julian asks.

“Any way you like.”

That’s singularly unhelpful. Julian is more interested in going to Cardassia under a specific condition. There’s always been an undercurrent to his interactions with Garak, a possibility for more. He thought the time for exploring it passed, but now he sees it hasn’t. Maybe this is the silver lining to being discharged from Starfleet.

In many ways they’re not the same men they were seven years ago, but that undercurrent remains, still offering a tantalizing possibility. There’s nothing for it but to put everything on the line. He reaches out and clasps Garak’s hand, fingers laced together in what, from a Cardassian perspective, is an unambiguously romantic manner. “Is this an option?”

Garak smiles broadly, the expression Julian has learned over the years is genuine. “It is.”

Eventually, Garak will admit he had a strong preference for the romantic and sexual interpretation of his offer, but would’ve settled for simply intimate friends. Julian will start a playful argument on how Cardassians don’t really do romance, and it will be an ongoing point of debate for years.

(Cardassians may not do romance much, but truth be told, Julian has never been very good at it either. More often than not, he tried too hard to force something which isn’t natural for him. With Garak, he doesn’t worry about it at all.)

“Has it been an option all along?” he asks, looking down at their joined hands.

Garak shakes his head minutely. “Not as such. I had nothing to offer you and could’ve ruined your career.”

Julian disagrees with the first part, but understands the enormity of the statement. Garak wouldn’t concern himself with either point if he didn’t care deeply; on the flip side, Julian is fairly sure sacrifice is an integral part of Cardassian love, or at least Garak’s version thereof.

Three days from now, Garak will cheerfully admit he tried to seduce Julian when they first met, and Julian will think Jadzia was right, after all. (She often was about these things.) He and Garak will agree it all worked out for the best that Garak’s initial attempts to get him in bed failed.

It’s not easy for Julian to let Section 31 go. He can see now, as the haze of emotions begins to part, that he was never likely to succeed. Section 31 probably did arrange his dismissal from Starfleet, either as revenge for Sloan’s death and saving the Founders, or hoping to snare him in another trap.

Last time, he only escaped such a trap because Miles pulled him back. Now, Miles and Ezri have gotten Garak to reach him when they weren’t able to.

Julian will always wish he could have done more to expose Section 31. He’ll admit, though, that when a high-ranking admiral is willing to work with them, there’s not much one former doctor could hope to do. And, perhaps, that all he could have accomplished was to end Section 31 and thus create space for a similar group to perform the Federation’s dirty work. That is the universe as it is, not as he wants it to be, and he’ll be glad he acknowledged reality in the nick of time.

So, while it’s difficult, he finally gives up the idea of bringing down Section 31. He has a chance to be a doctor, to offer care where it’s desperately needed, and for personal happiness while he’s at it. It will involve a lot of work, adaptation, and putting up with people not liking him at first, but none of those scare him. The prospect of being used again like he was on Romulus is far more frightening.

“I’d want to go where I’m needed, if I go to Cardassia,” he says. “Not some luxury practice where the wealthy get the best treatment while others go without.”

“I know. I would, of course, insist on a location which offers adequate security. I will not have you harmed.”

“Would I be in great danger?”

“No,” says Garak. “Very little, but precautions are called for all the same.” He leaves _if you’re going to be mine_ unspoken.

Julian can live with that. “Precautions are fine. Paranoia is not.”

“My dear, on Cardassia, they’re the same thing,” says Garak, but he’s still smiling, and Julian trusts that they will work this out, just like everything else. He’s never been one who looks much before he leaps. Although, in some respects, he’s been looking for seven years this time.

Choice made, he steps in close and kisses Garak.

It will turn out to be one of the better decisions he’s made. There will be culture shock, but there will also be plenty of important work treating patients where he knows he makes a difference, and there will always be love.

Now, he loses himself in the kiss, in the smoothness of Garak’s lips and the possessive way Garak’s hand curls around his neck. He puts his own hands on Garak’s aural ridges, finding them much softer than expected.

Garak kisses like a man with little to no experience. Apparently he wasn’t lying when he said Cardassians haven’t embraced the practice. Still, he’s plenty enthusiastic, and Julian can only conclude that Garak is not every centimeter the traditionalist, after all.

It’s at least half a minute before they stop, at which point Garak says, “I hope that means you’re coming with me.”

“Yes.”

He’s just been given a chance to have a worthwhile, fulfilling life with someone he adores and who he now knows feels the same way about him despite his flaws. He has something worth living for instead of dying for, which is with near certainty how taking on Section 31 would end, lack of death wish notwithstanding.

Garak looks at him like a man who’s just been given something long desired he never thought he could have. “I’m glad.”

Julian kisses him again.

“I do need to make one thing clear,” says Garak, some ten or fifteen seconds later. “I will not share you.”

“That’s fine, so long as I don’t have to share you either.”

“I would not disrespect you in such a way.” Garak sounds faintly scandalized. Well, it’s not Julian’s fault his conception of Cardassian fidelity is shaped by seeing a marked lack thereof, is it?

“Then it’s agreed,” he says.

He’ll soon learn that Councilor Garak would have no difficulty finding a partner on Cardassia. Shortly thereafter, he’ll realize that any such person would be another in a long line of people interested in Garak based on what he can do for them. Few have ever appreciated plain, simple Elim Garak for himself.

Julian does. He won’t be with Garak because he’s an important political figure. He would stay even if Garak lost all power, because he just wants Garak.

“Your plan is much better than mine,” he admits.

“Believe me, I know,” says Garak. “There’s one thing I still don’t understand. How exactly did you intend to find Section 31? I’d be surprised if they have offices anyone can stroll into seeking employment.”

Julian can’t explain how he picked up two locations from Sloan’s mind. He’s not a Starfleet officer anymore, but that doesn’t mean he’s about to share classified information. “Let’s just say I have a few leads that no longer matter.”

Thankfully, Garak leaves the subject there. “Contact your friends. They’re waiting anxiously, and I don’t want to be interrupted.”

Julian grins at the heat in Garak’s gaze. “That sounds promising.” He reaches to tap his combadge, only to remember he had to turn it in along with his uniforms. Garak kindly doesn’t mention the lapse.

At his computer terminal, Julian contacts Ezri. “Bashir to Dax.”

“Dax.”

“You’re right,” he says.

The relief in Ezri’s voice is palpable. “Julian, you’re not allowed to scare me like that again.”

He hopes that means they’re going to stay in touch. “I’ll do my best.”

“Are you leaving with Garak?”

“Yes.”

“I have an appointment about to start. Dinner before you go?”

He looks over to Garak, who may have a tight schedule, and receives a nod. “That’d be lovely.”

“My patient is here. We’ll talk soon. Dax out.”

He types out a short message to Miles. _Change of plans. Going to Cardassia with Garak. I’ll write with my new comm code._ After reading it over, he adds, _Thank you._

Miles will comm before Julian leaves, very relieved. He is going to say, “All those books you’ve read, and you didn’t think about Captain Ahab.” Julian will admit he’s never read _Moby Dick_ , and Miles will say he might want to sometime, though he’ll confess his own knowledge is secondhand.

Julian sends the message, increases the temperature in his quarters, and makes a mental note to get some cooling devices to bring with him. Then he turns back to Garak, suddenly unable to get close enough.

“Garak,” he says. No, that doesn’t fit anymore. “Elim.”

Their faces are so near he feels rather than sees Garak smile at the use of his first name. “Yes?”

“Is it really this easy?”

“I never said it would be easy. There are inherent challenges facing a human on Cardassia, and you will be highly visible.”

“I figured that out for myself,” Julian says, “and I’m not afraid of it. I’m used to people taking a while to warm up to me. I meant this part.” And he kisses Garak again.

In fact, making friends on Cardassia won’t be as difficult as he expects. Or a friend, anyway. A fellow doctor with tendencies toward the unorthodox will appoint herself his cultural guide on his second day of work, before anyone knows who his partner is. (Garak will always like her for it.) She’ll help Julian learn to navigate who likes him and who simply wants to get in Garak’s good graces through him. The latter list will occasionally grow to depressing lengths.

When Garak pulls back, it’s rather reluctantly. Julian will get excellent banter material out of Garak’s unCardassian fondness for kissing, which Garak will attempt without success to pass off as accommodating Julian’s tastes.

“I don’t see any reason to overcomplicate it,” Garak says.

“Good.”

It’s both easy and a complex balancing act, but they’ll figure it out, and the struggles will be worthwhile. Having a human partner – and, in due time, husband – will probably be what costs Garak chairmanship of the Detapa Council, though it’s never enough to cost him his seat. Whatever people will think of his personal life, they’ll admire Garak’s many and varied accomplishments in rebuilding Cardassia. Julian will have to suffer through mind-numbing dinners as a politician’s spouse and keep his more scathing criticisms of Cardassian society to himself. There will be moments, especially in the first year, where one or both of them wonders if they made a mistake. Those moments will never last long.

Julian will always strenuously disagree with some aspects of Cardassian society, and occasionally with Garak’s actions, but the friction will never rise to the level of a dealbreaker. And yes, sometimes, he will be Garak’s conscience, and Garak will be his voice of practicality, because that’s how they are. It will work for them.

Now, in this time between the Starfleet life he’s leaving behind and the life awaiting him on Cardassia, he wraps his arms around Garak and savors it all: the promise of an appealing future; Garak’s strong hands on his shoulders; the subtle scent of Garak’s hair product; and most of all, finally knowing after all these years that Garak cares deeply for him, possibly even loves him.

Garak does indeed love him, in his own, Cardassian way. Most often he will show it through fierce protectiveness, but in private, he will occasionally let his voice go soft and say, “Julian, _ss’avi_.” That is the most passionate term of endearment in the Cardassi language, though the direct translation, ‘part of myself,’ is rather dry.

It’s not going to take long before Julian is certain he loves Garak. Then he’ll spend two entire days practicing proper pronunciation and inflection of the declaration in Cardassi.

Even now, having given the feelings he’s pushed aside for years permission to come forth, he thinks he is even closer to love than he’s allowed himself to realize.

“Thank you,” he says.

“For kissing you? You’re quite welcome.”

“For talking me out of a terrible idea, and giving me a much more appealing option.”

Garak smiles. “I’m glad to be of service.”

Julian thinks he could happily do this for the rest of his life. And he will.

**Author's Note:**

> Title comes from Proverbs 16:18: _Pride goes before destruction, a haughty spirit before a fall._ It also refers to Garak stopping Julian before he barrels toward catastrophe.
> 
>  _Ss'avi_ is a Cardassi endearment I invented a few years back for Altering Course and still like.

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Hope in Bloom](https://archiveofourown.org/works/18921565) by [AuroraNova](https://archiveofourown.org/users/AuroraNova/pseuds/AuroraNova)




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